As I said before, I don't like the phrase "new life, new you". It makes me feel like I've lost my identity. Equally, "recovery is a marathon, not a sprint" is true, but I found that it can be boring and a bit depressing to hear. The belief that recovery stops after a year is incorrect; it can slow down, but it can progress at a slower pace with work. As someone who is naturally impetuous, this is something I've struggled with psychologically. Life after a brain injury is challenging, to say the least! Once the initial shock wears off, the first stage is a recovery start. Acceptance is probably one of the hardest parts of it all. As I said, you can accept what happens, but the length of the recovery and unknown outcome can be hard.
These days, life feels like there are three different universes I could choose from. There's the pre-life, which I can return to and any effects I've been left with, which magically varnish. Then you have the universe where I know what's happened but go down the route of giving up and accepting that this is "it". Finally, there's the universe that I hope to live in where I can come to terms with what's happened, continue doing everything I can to improve but not let rehab control my daily life and accept that this is all an unknown and that even if I'm even at least partially satisfied and can live safely, then that's how I want to be. Two years later, I bounce between all three universes. However, as I said, I choose to try to live in the latter. It goes without saying that I'd love to have my old life back 100%, no different than before, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life fixated on achieving that. I will never stop trying, as progress still happens in smaller increments. For my peace of mind, I have to be proud of how far I've come and be able to live just with adaptions.
Throughout your recovery, you will find that family or friends want to talk about it and give their input. Even if this is something you don't necessarily agree with, it is still important to listen to and learn to balance against being happy. When it comes to the "three universes", there is a massive feeling of loss. I know I say it all the time I don't like the term "new you" but you do go through a life altering experience. Even if you aren't left with many long-term effects, be it physical or cognitive, there is still a realisation of how much you have been through. I've talked about the emotional effects of a brain injury in other blog posts. However, I have struggled psychologically, too. This is different to the emotional side of things like confidence. I find myself dipping in and out of a mindset which, despite how sick I was and how far my recovery has come, I'm still convinced I can do better.
Every brain injury case is different, and all will have a unique recovery journey. I have a fear of the unknown and a lack of control. One of the biggest struggles I continue to have is not knowing what my post-stroke life looks like, any future gains I'm going to make, and when they will happen. I finally know when I've reached my peak and can be happy. The fact that I can't control where my journey is going or its eventual unknown destination does mean I have times when the pressure gets too much, and I want to stop. This is different to emotional effects; it has more to do with mindset. I have never been good at dealing with the unknown. I think it's part of the reason I haven't 100% processed how to be happy with my progress and that there is no definitive outcome, so I struggle to be satisfied with any achievements I do make.
As I've said a lot, both on social media and in previous blogs, I hadn't considered the effect brain injury can have on mental health. In some ways, the psychological impact has been bigger than the emotional one and possibly the hardest to deal with overall.
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